How Operating Systems are like Knights

If found this here years ago when I first got the internet back in ’98, and I remember my friend Gavin writing some extra bits for our own geeky exploits. I couldn’t find what Gavin wrote back then so I added my own, slightly more upto date version…

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stablely on his mare. He vary rarely falls, but knows only the basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS’s twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates Pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0’s best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He’s got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS.

Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, ‘Why can’t you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?’

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x’s Brother. He’s got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he’s talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, however if he tries to coverse with too many, he’ll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95’s tough-guy uncle. He’s got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of, all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates’ favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with word more than eight letter words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied off of them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstance. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp. King Gates Reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.

My additions:

Sir Mac OSX: He is Sir Mac OS’s grandson. He has become more popular than his grandfather, but only amongst those who can afford his high prices. He also learned to ride the horses King Gates’ Knights use, and he also stole Sir UNIXs secrets. He has many battle skills, but like his grandfather, he still only lets you do what he thinks you should do. King Jobs is most proud that he has learned to ride a small type of horse called iPony, and can jump between his horse and iPony at any time.

Sir Windows10: Sir Windows NT’s great great grandson has even stronger and shinier armour than Sir Windows95 and Sir Windows NT combined. He is slowly recovering after the violent death of his father, Sir Windows 8. He rarely falls of his horse and has even learned to side some small horses, including the same one Sir Raspbian rides. King Gates stole an iPony and tried to teach him to ride, but he has no battle skills in this area. He sometimes has a bash together with Sir Ubuntu.

Sir Ubuntu: Sir Unix’s grandson studied the Sir Mac OSX armour polishing program, but has designed his own heavy chain mail underneath. He has more battle skills that both Sir Mac OSX and Sir Windows10 now, but many people are still scared of him because he talks a funny language. King Gates and King Jobs were both afraid of his power, but every time they tried to kill him, the Wizards turned him into a new Knight. He won the battle for control of the Dark Arts of Serverland, where Sir Mac OSX and Sir Windows NT could not battle successfully.

Master ChromeOS: Sir ChromeOS is friendly with Sir Ubuntu but could never be bothered to learn to ride a horse. That being the case, he doesn’t really have any battle skills. He cannot write on real paper, and everything he does must be sent over the carrier pigeon network, which is why others do not think he is a real Knight.

Master Git: Master Git commited to help Sir Ubuntu build his chain mail, but he has been pushed into doing all kinds of work now. He has no power of his own.

Lord AWS: One day King Bezos was struggling to get into Serverland when he came accross Sir Ubuntu. In his frustration he brought down his huge sword and cut up Sir Ubuntu and his horse into 64 bits and sent them into all the corners of the Kingdom. Astoundingly, King Bezos found he had become even more powerful and named him Lord AWS. His power is found throughtout Serverland and he now controls about 1/3 of all the carrier pigeons. He does not need any armour because he is invisible.

Sir Raspbian: Sir Ubuntu’s little brother initially could only ride one horse, and did not have very shiny armour. He recently learned to ride the same horse as Sir Windows10, and is gaining in power each passing of the new moon due to many Wizards helping him. The Knights of OS think he could be the chosen one, and help Prince Upton take over King Gates throne.

Sir AndyPi: ???